Does my child even hear me?

Sometimes, I ask myself if my son has a hearing problem. I swear the amount of time I spend repeating myself makes me want to bang my head against a wall. How many of you say these almost daily: “Don’t put your shoes there,” “Take your backpack upstairs,” “Don’t lay on the dogs.” Unfortunately, it is completely normal for children to not listen.

We need to remind ourselves that children do not have the same mental capacity that adults do.

Because of this, children are more likely to be focusing on other things when we try to speak to them. This results in your child forgetting what is being said in big or small gaps of time. This is an action issue and not a listening issue. Those are two contrasting things. As a parent, it is our responsibility to help them through this stage of their life. We should be helping them focus better, remembering things better, and listening better. When they begin to listen better, they will perform better.

So what helps children listen better?

1. Make sure you have their focus

Yelling at them from downstairs is not going to get you anywhere. Trying to talk to them while the television is on is distracting. Get their full attention. This can mean having them pause from playing with their toys, quit walking and talking, and stop whatever you both are doing.

This means you need to stop what you are doing as well. Remember, children mirror adults.

2. Get down at eye level

Make sure you have eye contact as best as possible. This is comparable to being equal. Getting at eye level makes sure that they do not feel intimidated or commanded. It also makes it easier to maintain better eye contact.

Your request is more likely to be heard when your child is in a safe mental state. Most parents don’t realize the effect our subconscious actions (such as standing over your child) can have on your child’s behavior.

3. Talk to them with a calm tone

This may seem obvious. Interrupting questions, losing eye contact, etc. It all starts to get under your skin. If you lose your calm voice and become angry, your child will instead react to the angry voice, or worse not listen at all. 

This is due to sensory input, as Leah Kuypers explains in her academic writing (1). When the brain can't make sense of different senses coming in, the child will experience sensory integrative dysfunction. This includes crazy emotional rollercoasters, the silent treatment, anger & aggression, and difficulty focusing. 

This means they aren’t going to remember anything you said while you were actually calm. Making half the conversation completely void.

4. Keep it short

Do not go into a laundry list of to-dos. Keep it short and sweet. “I need you to please pick up your room so there is nothing on the floor.” End of request. Don’t list everything on the floor or give them more things to do after they pick up the floor.

As tedious as it is, you need to say the next to-do when you have their full attention again. By keeping things simple, your child is more likely to remember what is said.

5. Verify understanding

After you speak to them, you need to ask them if they understood the conversation. Make them repeat back what you said. This solidifies what is being said and makes them less likely to forget. If what is being asked didn’t get done, you also have something to come back to for discipline. “You told me that you understood what we talked about.” This puts more responsibility on your child and holds them accountable for their actions.

6. Ask if they need help

This can be two separate things. 1) This can be asking if they need help explaining things better or 2) If they need help with the actual task or item. Adults have years of experience, but your child is just beginning theirs.

Listening and action are two separate things.

7. Hold them accountable

This means double-checking whatever you asked. It may seem tiring, but it is 100% necessary. The moment your child thinks you aren’t double-checking, they will slack off to see what they can get away with. It’s all part of their learning process. This is how they learn right from wrong.

8. Give your child the same focus

Monkey see monkey do, right? The National Research Council states that other people play major roles as guides in fostering the development of learning in children (2). If you are yelling up the stairs, then your child is going to start yelling down the stairs. If you are working on your computer while your child talks to you, they will think it’s ok to do other things while you talk to them. Work on your listening skills and show them the same attention you want to receive.

I have done this and my child still doesn’t do what I ask!

Listening and choosing to follow through with what you said are two different topics. Just like hearing and listening are two different things. It all begins with making sure they listen. They will never do what you ask if they don’t listen.

Sources

(1) Leah Kuypers. 2008. A Curriculum Designed to Foster Self-Regulation in Students with Neurobiological Impairments. Hamline University. https://www.zonesofregulation.com/uploads/3/4/1/7/34178767/lit_review.pdf

(2) National Research Council. 2000. How People Learn: Brain, Mind, Experience, and School: Expanded Edition. Washington, DC: The National Academies Press. https://doi.org/10.17226/9853.